Here are excerpts from my upcoming book CONFESSIONS OF A CHILDBIRTH EDUCATOR from Chapter 4: What Mothers want Women to Know Before Giving Birth. These are some segments on Postpartum.
- The sleep deprivation is like nothing you have experienced. It’s not one all-nighter or a few for finals week in college, but a continuous interruption of your sleep which will affect your mental and physical health. We did not get a night nurse and I’m not sure I could have trusted anyone else to watch him at night. I did have family come over to watch the baby in the afternoon so I could nap, but not consistently enough.
- The sleep deprivation also makes it hard to think clearly and makes planning and decision making difficult.
- A typical job is 8 hours per day. A demanding job is 10-12 hours per day. The needs of a newborn baby are often 20 hours per day (and at first, on demand / no schedule or predictability) and with very little efficiency (i.e. many tasks have to be done one at a time) x 7 days per week. It’s amazing the human species has survived given this… Our culture has minimized child rearing and work inside the home but raising a baby is an Olympic sport. You will understand the need for multigenerational households once you have a baby. Get all the help you can – formal or informal. I didn’t realize the enormity of the work at home even while I was doing it. It wasn’t until after I went back to work outside the home and had childcare 45 hours per week, and de facto three parents, which is the right amount for the size of the job. I regret not having more help earlier. My nanny also taught me a lot about baby care and I wish she had come into our lives sooner. Going back to my demanding job was like a vacation compared to the workload I had at home.
- Plan sleeping shifts with your partner ahead of time and set up a sleeping area apart from baby for the person who is “off” to actually rest.
As for postpartum, it’s not talked about enough. I feel like women feel ashamed to admit they’re struggling with postpartum anxiety, depression, PTSD, rage, etc. But I think it’s not normal to go through postpartum without experiencing at least one of these things. Of course, there are different levels to it, but after everything we go through during labor—then immediately caring for a newborn 24/7 without sleep—it’s no surprise that our emotions feel all over the place. And that’s OK!
- I just wish there was more information out there on how to regulate these emotions during hormone fluctuations. I wish more women knew that it’s not their fault—it’s the hormones, and they will feel like themselves again.
- Personally, I did a lot of research on postpartum to figure out what supplements and vitamins could naturally help my mental health. I’m taking omegas for mood & brain health, prenatals (since I’m breastfeeding), and bovine colostrum for milk production, hormone regulation, and digestion.
- I also make myself an “adrenal cocktail”—orange juice (vitamin C), collagen (for tissue repair & overall recovery), cream of tartar (potassium), and Celtic salt (electrolytes). I also take vitamin D to prevent feelings of PPD and make sure I get plenty of sunshine. I try to go on daily walks with my baby—it’s good for both of us!
- This has really helped. I haven’t had any horrible days of anxiety or depression. Of course, I cried randomly during those first few days (from both happiness and sadness, lol), but I kept reminding myself that it’s just the hormones and that I’d be fine.
- I also think having support from the people around you is SO important when coping with postpartum emotions. More women should be able to talk openly about mental health without feeling guilty or like a “bad mom.” Talking about it is the first step in getting better. And the fact that you want to get better? That actually makes you a great mom!
- There’s power in seeking support, showing yourself grace, and knowing you’re not alone.
1. Feeling of “What do I do with this baby and all these hours?” is totally normal.
2. People looove to visit month 1 “to see the baby!!!!” when you are exhausted and then never visit or help you in the future! Their visit to see the newborn is for them and their own satisfaction vs. caring about helping you. Then you are entertaining at the most disoriented time of your life; cleaning and preparing snacks. Line that I wish I knew was… “We are waiting for visitors until after first shots at 6 weeks. So many viruses going around.” Post-covid everyone respects this! Say this to your B and C group of family/friends!
3. Feeling of “maternal bond” does not necessarily come immediately. It comes when you leave the house much later and feel your growth. I think some women shame themselves about “maternal instinct” and what they should feel. You should feel shell-shocked, uncertain, and/or tired. The feeling of maternal bond or maternal instinct sneaks up on you and you get a big wave of it later, like when someone holds your baby at a family party in 3 months.
4. Depression is very normal. Feelings of sadness deserve 0% shame. They are caused by hormones, change, and tiredness. Your OB/GYN is expecting you to call about this. I had a friend who suffered in silence for a year and that is heartbreaking. I like to share my story to normalize postpartum depression and my story is: I said no thank you. I talked to my doctor beforehand about how I knew I would be susceptible to depression and brought a Rx of Paxil to the hospital. I popped my first pill on day one of baby’s life and we had an amazing first year. If you become depressed, please recognize it with zero shame and as a side effect of hormones. Call the doctor and turn your story around.
5. Set a date on your phone for 6 weeks. Do not worry about your body or exercising until it goes off. Be kind to yourself. Your body just went through a traumatic event! Eat healthy, sleep as much as possible, and drink lots of water. When you are being hard on yourself, say, “Nope! Not going there until my alarm goes off.”
6. Newborns sleep. Let them sleep. This is your time. Don’t feel like you should be doing more. Don’t let anyone influence your thoughts that you should be doing more. Let. The Baby. Sleep. And enjoy your time!!!! You SHOULD enjoy this time. Sometimes my baby slept like on and off 21-22 hours a day. A lot of people made comments to me that I should wake her up and play with her. Um, no. Newborns are between worlds. They slept so much in your womb and this is normal and a blessing for you to heal.
7. Everything happens in phases. Every phase passes. There may be a period known as “the witching hour” when the baby cries for no reason about 1-2 months in. It’s from their little brain taking in so much during the day. Just know that it passes. It lasts about a month. Everything you feel like you may lose, your me-time stuff, it all comes back in time too.
8. Sometimes, take advice from no one but your baby. Your baby will tell you everything you need to know. Have faith in that. Best advice I got was: When in doubt, kiss your baby. You cannot kiss your baby too much. All your baby needs is love, food, and sleep. He will tell you when hungry or tired.
9. You will screw up. For example, every mom learns, “Wow, my baby can roll over now!”… when they roll right off the bed. Be kind to yourself. Your baby is the kindest, most forgiving teacher you will ever have.
There were four main things I was unprepared for in the postpartum period.
- The crash. For about 2-3 weeks postpartum, I cried (like ugly cried) at least 3-4 times a day. Not in frustration or sadness or anything negative. I would literally just look at my baby, or my wife, or our dog and burst into tears of overwhelming love. And sometimes I would burst into tears and have no idea why at all. It was very strange. It alarmed my wife and other visitors, but I was usually fine. I felt like I needed a green and red card like they give you at a Brazilian steakhouse. Green for “I’m sobbing, but it’s actually fine. Go about your business.” Red for “I’m sobbing, and I need some help.”
- The incontinence. I thought that women wore diapers because of bleeding, not because they lost all control of their bladder. I had a very fast labor (unusual for a first timer) and pushed for less than 10 minutes, which isn’t great for the pelvic floor. Even with pelvic floor therapy, I was in diapers for 3-4 weeks. I had to wear giant pads when I went back to work at 10 weeks postpartum, because I was still peeing every time I coughed, sneezed, or moved too quickly. Even at 14 months postpartum, I will sometimes leak if my bladder is too full. That early incontinence can be really alarming and make you feel like you’ll never be the same. Pelvic floor therapy is a must, but it may not cure everything.
- Science lied to me. My period came back at 6 weeks postpartum despite exclusively breastfeeding. I had postpartum bleeding for about 2.5 weeks. Then bled again heavily at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, and 14 weeks, and so on. It was heavier and more painful in those first few months.
- The need to tell my story. In the 2-3 weeks after birth, I needed to verbally process my somewhat traumatic birth story over and over and over again. I needed to make sense of it, both the crazy parts and the wonderful parts, and telling it to others, writing it down, talking about it with my wife, etc. was really important. Honestly, I think we both needed that space to process it and have it be heard and acknowledged by others. Telling the story helped me identify things that I have every right to feel angry about, but also helped me identify my own strength.
- Immediately after giving birth, ask for water. Keep asking until you get it. Advocate hard for your needs. If you have questions, ask the nurses — the specialist who was supposed to help me with breastfeeding never stopped by, and a postpartum nurse was the person who really helped me with holding my daughter and breastfeeding the first time. I wound up dropping by the specialist’s office a week later, and while the visit was helpful (I was told about the soothers for nipple cracks), I had to learn how to breastfeed immediately and it was not something that I had the luxury of waiting for an office visit to do.
- Also, cluster feeding is normal. Be prepared to have a cluster feeding experience immediately post birth or during the first week. Again, ask for water. You will feel like a mummy if you don’t drink enough fluids.
- Probably on the side of too much information but, let’s talk about the ‘butt’ in postpartum. Less than fun fact, if you get an anal fissure or if your stitches are done in a way that causes trauma, you can get what’s called a sentinel skin tag on the anus, and it can pop up on the anterior side, or posterior side. It can be removed via laser or good old-fashioned surgery, but it will require a lot of movement and staying upright for the healing process. Also, use a sitz bath religiously. Eat lots of fiber, and if you do develop one, don’t despair, insurance will cover the removal as long as you explain that it’s impacting your ability to keep yourself sanitary, and is causing significant physical discomfort. Also, don’t confuse a skin tag for a hemorrhoid. Skin tags will not go away with over-the-counter treatments.
- Also, the first poop is not fun, and yes, chia seeds, oatmeal, and again, so much water you feel like you are drinking the ocean, is the best way to get through it. Start hydrating the second you get cleared to drink or eat, and things will be easier.
- Most importantly, give yourself grace. It hurts and feels like you got run over by a bus because giving birth is a pretty intensive and traumatic experience. The first few days you feel like everything is out of place and not right, but it does go back to a baseline normal. I felt like I was ‘less than’ because I wasn’t popping off the couch and acting like I was back to ‘normal’ after my first week because I had ‘only’ had a kid — in some cultures it’s normal to not even go out in public for the first month and to just recuperate, and honestly, we need to bring that cultural expectation to the U.S. as expecting to entertain and show off a newborn is an insane amount of pressure and expectation placed on new moms.
- I think I was so excited about the birth that I didn’t pay much attention to what was going to be happening to my body afterwards. When I got home from the hospital, I had some supplies but after a few days realized I needed more pads and hemorrhoid pads. My partner went to the drug store and at checkout realized he had forgotten his wallet. He knew he needed to come home with these supplies and luckily another customer offered to pay for the supplies and even had him get my favorite ice cream too! Sit down with your support team and come up with a postpartum plan by 37 weeks. Buy all the needed recovery supplies, figure out a meal plan, laundry, household chores, pet care …. everything that needs to be done to keep the household going and not to have the birth person do it for at least 2 weeks!
- I feel like parents-to-be and new parents have a lot more anxiety now. They see videos that influencers post showing all the latest gear needed for labor, birth, postpartum and for baby. Before buying new items, really think if they are truly needed. Sure, the idea of bringing your own hospital gown sounds nice but in reality, you will probably go through multiple gowns during birth and it is highly unlikely that you will ever use them again. You may want to fill up your freezer with padsicles but most likely you will not be using them much after the first few days and you could fill it up with food for postpartum instead. Your baby needs very little, they do not need enrichment and to be “entertained” at all times. Do skin to skin and talk to your newborn, it is exactly what they need and so good for new parents also. For postpartum, it can work really well for new parents to take “shifts” so everyone gets some sleep and a break. Even if a parent is breastfeeding, shifts can still be helpful. After they are done feeding, they can head right back to bed instead of changing a diaper, swaddling, soothing and getting baby back to sleep. Shifts of 5-6 hours can make adjusting to life with a newborn much easier.
- You will get good and bad advice but do what is right for you and your family and if others tell you birth experiences that you find upsetting, stop them immediately.
- My postpartum journey is uneventful and typical; aside from postpartum rage, which lasted over 6 months. The advice I give all my new-expecting mamas is give yourself grace. So much of the anxiety comes from “matching how the media portrays pregnancy/postpartum.” Let go of expectations, trust your instincts. I did not feel an instant connection of “love/elation” with either of my babies, that feeling definitely grew over time. There is no ONE way to birth/raise a child. For the partners of breastfeeding mamas, I always say bring her water every time she breastfeeds/pumps. It’s the little things that go a long way. I felt very supported by my partner in my postpartum journey, yet I would feel very alone. Motherhood can feel lonely, even with all the support. Go out of your comfort zone, meet other pregnant/new mamas, make a community (could be 1-2 other mamas), even if these people are in your life for the first 3 months to a year, you need other moms going through a similar journey. Community is how we have survived throughout history.